How your entire world can come crashing down from a single phonecall.

How everything you thought was important suddenly becomes...

Meaningless.

Trivial.

Inconsequential.

Insignificant.

Petty.

Nonsensical.

In comparison to what that phonecall entailed.

I find myself on the precipice of oblivion.

Teetering on the edge of utter despair and abandoning all hope.

And as I stare into the darkness...allowing the unholy blackness to brush against my toes...I witness all of my faults. I wonder what it was that warranted such a detrimental demise to befall me. I question where it was that I finally strayed too far from the path of good fortune so as to allow myself to arrive at such a devastating conclusion.

A girl of merely 21....the whole world before me....the whole weight of reality pressing down against my shoulders...shoving me down with its formidable strength deeper and deeper into hopelessness and unbridled anguish.

And while my condemnation is not completely certain...

While I have not yet been shoved over the edge of dark despondence.

I fear the worst is yet to come.

And like a prisoner awaiting his life sentence...

I stand alone awaiting mine.

I know I've made mistakes in our relationship, and that they are unforgivable to say the least. However, I've dedicated myself to atoning for those things and to proving that I'm going to be a better person for you. Yet there's so many points where I'll find myself wondering if I really want to do this. Do I really want to lose friendships I've strived to attain since I knew what a friend was? Do I really want to sacrifice my entire social life just so I can be by your side at all times? Do I really want to be controlled in this way? Why do I put up with your tantrums and irrational angry outbursts? Why do I look past your obviously childish demeanor and complete lack of responsibility/foresight of consequences? Why do I allow you to cause so much torment and depression inside my head...to fuck with my mind any time you see fit or because you feel that I deserve it?

In the past week you haven't even gone so far as to say that you love me. You haven't initiated anything...sex...affection...conversation...and like I said before you haven't even said a single "I love you" without me having to say it first. And even then it doesn't sound heartfelt...it sounds forced and choked out like you're struggling to make it sound legitimate. Like it bothers you to have to say that phrase. And it hurts...because you're the first person I've ever said that to...and now you make me second guess my claims of first love by treating me like a nuisance and a waste of space. You make me wonder whether or not I'm even worth love...you're treating me just like all my past boyfriends. But I guess I deserve it...that's what I keep telling myself. That's the only reason I've let the way you treat me go so far. You call me stupid and ridicule me and make me feel like a complete failure when I'M the one trying to make something of myself.

I get that you say you're depressed. You say that you find it hard these days to care about anything. I want to be understanding....but I can't do that when all you do is make me feel inferior and insignificant all while pushing me away. Saying you don't care about anything? To your GIRLFRIEND? I'm not sure if you meant to say that you basically don't care about me anymore...but that's how I'm starting to see it sweetie. I've sacrificed so much for you. I've put myself out there moreso than I have for any man alive....or ever will in the future most likely.

Not to mention you add any and every little tart on facebook...especially if they look like a pornstar. I hate it. I hate that you're allowed to add any female you want or not reply to my texts all night or go out on the town and get wasted with your buddies while I'm not there...but the second I want to go spend time with friends or miss a single text you're down my throat with screaming and accusations. Yet even during these moments when I can't possibly see myself making a future with you, I still can't even imagine myself without you. The minute you show me even the briefest hint of affection or tenderness I run back to you...like a moth I'm drawn into your flame baby. Like that song on the radio darling: It's killin' me when you're away. And I wanna leave and I wanna stay. I'm just not strong enough to stay away...

But sometimes I can't tell if I love you or if I'm just killing the loneliness I've felt for 21 years.

Oh baby it's insanity
But it’s still my favorite fantasy
That when all is said and done
I will still be your only one

Television tells sweet lies
While it stretches truth with whys
And the radio it screams out
But we’re too busy for its shouts

You made your life what it is today
Yet still you claim you had no say
That fate is what did this to you
Deep down you know that isn’t true

As for our past we’ve closed the curtain
And we know the future’s never certain
Yet still we try and try again
For we’re dedicated women and men

So now it’s over said and done
I never was your only one
And now it’s cold outside
But it’s much colder inside…
Oh so much colder on the inside.

You made your life what it is today
Yet still you claim you had no say
That fate is what did this to you
Deep down you know that isn’t true